Family Matters

“As the holidays come up, it’s important for people to remember that what should matter most is friends and family because one day you’ll look up and they won’t be there anymore.”

 

Holidays can taste bittersweet to people with broken families. I lost three grandparents this year. My best friends’ parents are getting divorced. Another friend was cut off from his family after coming out.

 

Family occasions can be really uncomfortable for people in the LGBT community. Fear of rejection holds them back from being authentic with relatives. Coming out to family is “quite terrifying,” as one of my friends told me. But as another friend said, "People can surprise you if given the chance.”

 

For this blog post, I asked five queer friends of mine about their experience with coming out to family. They all shared stories of affirmation, disappointment, fear, discomfort, and wisdom. 

Affirmation

Feeling supported by family makes a huge difference to LGBT people. For me, it helped me be more confident and authentic in who I am. My friends shared similar experiences:

• “Coming out was one of them most incredible experiences of my life because of how much support and love I received from everybody. My mom and dad told me they love me no matter what, and are proud of me for embracing my sexuality.  My siblings and extended family were touched that I would share such personal information with them.”
• “My family and my home feel safe and supportive. The people I surround myself with are 100% safe, accepting, and understanding.  In these places I feel normal and I have so much internal peace.”
• “The most supportive person in my family would have to be my little sister. She’s more understanding because she’s also member of LGBT.”

Disappointment

Because we care so much about our family members, they can be the people who can hurt us most deeply. Even when family is affirming, I often feel isolated because they do not really understand my bisexuality. Here’s what others said:

• “Support does not necessarily mean understanding.  I don’t think they understand.”
• “My mother has been this sort of weird combination of supportive and unsupportive. She didn’t react badly when I told her, but rather she sort of changed the subject”
• “My mom very painfully referred to my sexual preference as a ‘phase,’ completely belittling the significance of the connection between me and my partner.”
• “My girlfriend's family is not as supportive as my own family when it comes to being gay.  Her grandparents still do not know that we are together, yet I have met them many times as ‘just a friend.’  It is heartbreaking that her family has not come to fully accept us as two females who love each other.  When I am around them, I feel like I have to hide who I truly am and how I feel about their daughter.”

Fear

I asked my five friends to talk about family members who they are afraid to come out to:  

• “A family member I’m afraid to come out to is my Godmother. She’s been a true mother to me and I’m not exactly sure why I’m afraid to tell her. I guess it‘s her ambiguity on the LGBT rights and until I get a better understanding of where she is I’ll tread carefully.”
• “The family member I am most afraid to tell is my father. There seems to be something more concrete and serious about telling my dad. I know that he won't mind, or even judge me. He will love me just the same. However, the fear I experience is very real. What if my dad chooses not to love me after he finds out? What if he expresses anger or disappointment? I love and care for him immensely and could be really hurt if he disapproves.”
• “There is a certain pair of relatives who I definitely am not excited to come out to.  I’ve never been close to them because we have very different values. They’re part of a Christian church and political affiliation that don’t support LGBT people. Telling them I’m gay would be stressful, but since I’ve never highly valued our relationship, I wouldn’t be personally crushed by their resistance, just annoyed and infuriated.”
• “Family for me is such a huge part of my identity that losing that would be an incredible challenge to how I view myself. Although I don’t think my family would completely reject me, but the even slight suggestion that my sexual identity and my familial identity might not be compatible is quite terrifying, especially when both are so much a part of who I am."

Discomfort

A lot of people commented on feeling uncomfortable around extended family who they perceive as un-affirming:

• “I’m really not sure how to come out to my extended family, which is really religious.”
• “I feel half-closeted, hyper-sensitive, and on egg shells.  This isn’t their fault, I think it’s something going on with me.  I’m ‘out’ technically but I’m not myself.  There’s a wall of fear and intense sensitivity that’s stopping me from making progress with my family.  I’m keeping the wall up for now but eventually I need to start pushing toward that fear and pushing down that wall.  I need to help educate them and tell them more about an incredibly important part of my life, which is that I’m gay.  I need to get to a point of calm and confidence where they can voice their honest feelings and I can help them work through them instead of feeling crushed and defensive.  I think some of them might still feel a bit uncomfortable, grossed out, disappointed, or just confused.”
• “One of my great-aunts once took food out of my refrigerator given to me by my older gay cousin (who is married with a partner); she warmed it up in the microwave and then threw it out in the trash claiming that she couldn’t eat it because it was made by gay people. I was completely appalled by her behavior coming into my home acting the way she did. I felt disrespected and even if I wasn't a member of LGBT I’d still be displeased with her actions, not only because no one forced her to eat the food but also because this was her own family she was talking about yet she could insult them so casually.”

Wisdom

Although there are the risks to coming out to family, the rewards greater. For me, it has brought me closer to all my family members, whether or not they support my orientation. My relationships are more honest and authentic. Here’s some wisdom that some of my friends shared:

• “I decided that even if some people are upset when they hear I am gay, I still want to come out to them because the movement is bigger than my concerns of what others might think about me.  I am standing up for what is right, and not hiding myself from certain people just so that they can be "protected" from knowing my truth. Not being able to come out to certain people is just awful.  I didn't come out as gay so that I would have to keep hiding it!” 
• “One thing I’ve learned is that you can’t decide people’s answer before you’ve even ask them the question. It’s unfair to them and to you. People can surprise you if given the chance.”