Lessons from my Prayer Journal: Avoiding Bitterness

I was rereading my prayer journal from the first month in my coming out process and it was full of good reminders.

Here it is, straight from my journal:

Dear God,

Judi made a good point today in our one-on-one conversation--by rejecting potential friends if think they will reject my sexuality, I am not being loving towards them. How can I claim that my bisexuality is a gift I can use to love others when judge people for judging me?

Lord, how do I move forward? Placing the blame on the other person doesn't seem nice, but neither is blaming myself. Do I blame the devil?

As I learned in the scripture passage today about Jesus casting out demons, Jesus did not come to obliterate the devil but rather to remove him from where he does not belong. Judgment does not belong in my relationships and interactions. It's not about destroying judgment but removing it from myself. Lord, cast out the demons of judgment in me.  

I can only control my own actions, not the actions (and reactions) of others. I shouldn't expect love, I should just give it. Give it unconditionally, even if the person is underserving. Because that's how you love me, God. I never did anything to deserve your love, yet you gave everything for me.

I know that you will give me the love and the strength I need. I feel you pushing me, saying, "don't stop loving. Don't harden your heart. You have all the support you need from me. Trust in me to sustain you."

Now what does this all mean practically for me today? Well I guess I should talk more openly to the people around me about what's going on with me. I should be present to them, share my voice with them. I shouldn't withhold this important part of myself I assume they won't be supportive. I should also not assume this topic is off-limits and taboo in this Christian environment. I should share myself and be vulnerable--without having an agenda. I shouldn't be trying to change their minds. All I can do is open the door to this conversation and not be bitter if they aren't ready to come in.