Feeling Alone

Being a bisexual Christian often makes me feel hopelessly alone.

Most of my straight friends simply cannot relate to my experience. They are not conscious of their privileges because they are not part of the minority. Meanwhile, I think about my minority status all the time.

My gay friends often find it confusing that I openly admit to being attracted to both men and women—like I’m not gay enough for them or something.

My gay friends also find my Christianity confusing sometimes. I always feel like they think I am kind of crazy, maybe even some undercover-straight Christian intent on straightening them out.

My fellow queer Catholic friends often use language that excludes bisexuals. They talk all the time about the need for the church to accept their “gay and lesbian” parishioners, even adding in “transgender” as an afterthought. Bisexuals don’t even get an afterthought mention 90% of the time.

Some of my more conservative Christian friends have not figured out how they should respond to my orientation. They are timid in their words when we talk about it, afraid to say the wrong thing, hurt my feelings, or damage our friendship.

My sister told me that she thought acting on my same-sex attraction would be unhealthy for my spiritual life, bringing me further away from God through sin.

I long for the company of someone who shares my experience. How will I find a Christian who loves my queerness? How will I find a queer who loves my Christianity and my bi-dentity? How will I find another Bi Christian?

All I know is that God is the only one who really understands me. Yet I reject Him every time I whine about not being in a relationship. My relationship with God is all I really need, and until I understand and accept that truth, any relationship I have will fail. I need to not idolize my future partner because if I do I will be disappointed by their inability to be perfect. Only God can be my idol.

I am humble enough to acknowledge that I cannot go through this life alone. Despite my earnest efforts to develop meaningful relationships, I still feel alone. Ah, but that’s just how I feel. I am not alone. I have so many friends and family who love me. I am blessed with a community of Christians who rejuvenate my faith. I have a beautiful community of LGBT friends who support me. And--I’ve got perfect company in my God. All I have to do is let him in and I will never have to feel alone.