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I have migrated this blog to a newer, improved website. I also changed the name:

"Christian Bidentity"

www.christianbidentity.com

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Pride and Prejudice in Wearing a Rainbow Ribbon

I’ve been wearing
a rainbow ribbon on my coat
for the past few weeks.
It’s terrifying,
sometimes.
Why?
That’s a good question.
 
I wanted to wear the
colors with pride, but
I fear being judged
by people.
 
I took me weeks
after I got the ribbon
to work up the courage
to wear it.
 
It sat patiently
on my bureau,
staring at me
as I put my make-up on.
“Put me on, too,”
the rainbow ribbon
would say to me.
I pretended not to hear.
I avoided eye contact
with the ribbon as I put
the eyeliner down
and rushed out the door
to face the day.
 
One day,
God challenged me.
“What are you waiting for?”
He asked. “You already have
my approval. You don’ t need
anyone else’s approval.
Be not afraid, for I am with you.”
 
I realized then that
wearing the ribbon
was not about me
being brave or proud or free.
It was about being obedient.
It was about glorifying God.
It was about standing up for oppressed people of God.
It was about solidarity with my LGBT brothers and sisters
who do not blend in as well as I do.
 
Being a femme bisexual
is frustrating,
sometimes
because I am assumed to be straight.
But I get the benefit of
not worrying about kids asking me
“Are you a boy or a girl?”

So for all the kids who really
have it pretty bad, maybe I should
wear my ribbon loud and proud
so they hear me say,
“You are not alone!”
 
And so far,
no one has spoken a word of
prejudice to my face for wearing
a rainbow ribbon.

Lessons from my Prayer Journal: Avoiding Bitterness

I was rereading my prayer journal from the first month in my coming out process and it was full of good reminders.

Here it is, straight from my journal:

Dear God,

Judi made a good point today in our one-on-one conversation--by rejecting potential friends if think they will reject my sexuality, I am not being loving towards them. How can I claim that my bisexuality is a gift I can use to love others when judge people for judging me?

Lord, how do I move forward? Placing the blame on the other person doesn't seem nice, but neither is blaming myself. Do I blame the devil?

As I learned in the scripture passage today about Jesus casting out demons, Jesus did not come to obliterate the devil but rather to remove him from where he does not belong. Judgment does not belong in my relationships and interactions. It's not about destroying judgment but removing it from myself. Lord, cast out the demons of judgment in me.  

I can only control my own actions, not the actions (and reactions) of others. I shouldn't expect love, I should just give it. Give it unconditionally, even if the person is underserving. Because that's how you love me, God. I never did anything to deserve your love, yet you gave everything for me.

I know that you will give me the love and the strength I need. I feel you pushing me, saying, "don't stop loving. Don't harden your heart. You have all the support you need from me. Trust in me to sustain you."

Now what does this all mean practically for me today? Well I guess I should talk more openly to the people around me about what's going on with me. I should be present to them, share my voice with them. I shouldn't withhold this important part of myself I assume they won't be supportive. I should also not assume this topic is off-limits and taboo in this Christian environment. I should share myself and be vulnerable--without having an agenda. I shouldn't be trying to change their minds. All I can do is open the door to this conversation and not be bitter if they aren't ready to come in.
 

Feeling Alone

Being a bisexual Christian often makes me feel hopelessly alone.

Most of my straight friends simply cannot relate to my experience. They are not conscious of their privileges because they are not part of the minority. Meanwhile, I think about my minority status all the time.

My gay friends often find it confusing that I openly admit to being attracted to both men and women—like I’m not gay enough for them or something.

My gay friends also find my Christianity confusing sometimes. I always feel like they think I am kind of crazy, maybe even some undercover-straight Christian intent on straightening them out.

My fellow queer Catholic friends often use language that excludes bisexuals. They talk all the time about the need for the church to accept their “gay and lesbian” parishioners, even adding in “transgender” as an afterthought. Bisexuals don’t even get an afterthought mention 90% of the time.

Some of my more conservative Christian friends have not figured out how they should respond to my orientation. They are timid in their words when we talk about it, afraid to say the wrong thing, hurt my feelings, or damage our friendship.

My sister told me that she thought acting on my same-sex attraction would be unhealthy for my spiritual life, bringing me further away from God through sin.

I long for the company of someone who shares my experience. How will I find a Christian who loves my queerness? How will I find a queer who loves my Christianity and my bi-dentity? How will I find another Bi Christian?

All I know is that God is the only one who really understands me. Yet I reject Him every time I whine about not being in a relationship. My relationship with God is all I really need, and until I understand and accept that truth, any relationship I have will fail. I need to not idolize my future partner because if I do I will be disappointed by their inability to be perfect. Only God can be my idol.

I am humble enough to acknowledge that I cannot go through this life alone. Despite my earnest efforts to develop meaningful relationships, I still feel alone. Ah, but that’s just how I feel. I am not alone. I have so many friends and family who love me. I am blessed with a community of Christians who rejuvenate my faith. I have a beautiful community of LGBT friends who support me. And--I’ve got perfect company in my God. All I have to do is let him in and I will never have to feel alone.